For the past eight (nearly nine) years, my life has been intrinsically linked to music in one way or another. I’ve played it, I’ve made it, and I listen to it every single day. It’s to the point where I can’t really imagine my life without music being a mainstay in it. I spent all of my time in middle and high school dreaming of going to music school, and immersing myself in everything there is to learn about it, but now? I don’t really know if that’s a path I can or want to even go down anymore.
It’s not like I’ve stopped loving music. Quite the contrary, I love it more than ever. I’ve completed two semesters of a music ed degree at the University of Louisville’s School of Music, and I enjoyed them for the most part, but a day (yes, reader, a DAY) before band camp for the Cardinal Marching Band’s 2024 season was supposed to start my parents said that I had to drop out. They weren’t without their reasons, and I understand why they did it now even if I hate it. We had no money to spare, and since they didn’t want to go through the trouble of begging the Department of Education (RIP) to give me more scholarship money, going to college for any more time just wasn’t in the cards (pun not intended) for me. But even though I understand why I had to stop going, it doesn’t make it any less devastating to me. Imagine being a nineteen year old girl who thought she had her whole life planned out in front of her, and then having it just be gone. Poof. Sorry about your luck! It sucked. Big time. What made it worse was that, soon after, my father (who I think means well, but tends to show it in the absolute worst ways) gave me an ultimatum: Get a job, or get kicked out to live with my grandparents. This was a kick in the fucking gut. I had struggled for YEARS to get a job in the post-pandemic job market, and now, my own fucking father, who I think is supposed to support me and encourage me through my struggles, would make me move out all the way to Breckinridge County if I couldn’t get a job. I felt a lot of things when he said that, I think I went through the entire cycle of grief in less than a minute, sans the acceptance part. I had tried EVERYTHING to get a job. I filled out a countless amount of applications on every recruiting website there was. Name any store or food joint in Jefferson County, I probably applied there. I even called individual hiring managers to check my application status. I was either ghosted, or rejected. Every. Single. Time. I was at a total loss, and I was freaking out. Luckily, I remembered that one of the largest delivery companies, UPS, has its largest air hub in Louisville, and fortunately, in my case, they’ll basically hire any person with a pulse. I applied there, and luckily, after damn near THREE years, I finally managed to gain employment. I’ve been with UPS for a little over seven months at the time of writing this, and it’s an okay job for the most part. I make $21 an hour, and $31.50 an hour during overtime, $42 dollars an hour on the seventh punch (if I get one,) and $63 an hour when I have to work a holiday. I’m doing well here. This job gave me enough income to start my medical transition, something I had been yearning for since I was in eighth grade. Working has done me so much good, but the longer I stay here, the more I yearn for the quality of education that college can give me, and the more it hurts seeing all my friends continue on without me.
The only thing is that, now, having been out of school for almost a whole year, I’m not sure what I want to return to school for, exactly. I’m a very well-rounded person when it comes to interests. I’m really into music, yes, but I’m also deep in to meteorology, aviation, and so many other things. This amount of interests, as it turns out, is a double-edged sword, as it makes me VERY indecisive when picking a major. I know in my heart that I could be so very many things (I’m thinking meteorologist right now,) but my brain is spinning. I find it really hard to give up music, but I don’t want to limit myself to it. It’s so hard to choose, and I can’t even ask for advice from my loved ones because the only one who can really decide is me! So, I’m stuck! As soon as I can get that bid for night shift, I’ll be back at school through the metro college program, but as for what I’ll be back at school for, who knows!
I guess I’ll just have to keep mulling it over.
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Lani's Blog 